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Episode 41/Transcript
Than: Alright, guys, let's do this! Let's get out there, let's get sweaty, then let's get back in there and take a shower! (slaps Matthew and Blaine's butts) Tanner: Don't even think about it. Than: Alright, alright, somebody's ass isn't being a team player. Tanner: Guys, are we absolutely sure we need to have Than on the team? Matthew: I'm sorry Tanner, nobody's really excited about this either, but we barely had enough players before Justin left into whatever trend that's enveloping the entire school. And apparently that trend does not involve football, so we need to take all the players we can get. Blaine: Yeah, besides, maybe it won't be that ba—''(Than slaps Blaine's butt)'' Alright cool it man! You cool it! Enough with the butts! Tanner: Goddammit, okay, fine. Deandra: Excuse me gentlemen, I see that you're in the middle of something, but I was wondering if you might be able to assist me in my search for a certain misplaced taco. Tanner: A misplaced taco? Deandra: Yes, you see I was enjoying my lunch here in this general vicinity earlier today. I had a choco taco and a regular taco. A taco taco, if you will. I of course, was eating the choco taco first, because as you well know, time is of the essence when you're dealing with such perishables. Unfortunately, the bell for fifth period rang just as I was finishing my choco taco causing me to forget the taco taco in my haste. Now that school is over, I have come to retrieve it. Have any of you seen it? Matthew: Well that's a minute we're never going to get back. No, I can't say that we've seen any tacos of any variety anywhere around here today, ma'am. Taco taco, or choco taco. Deandra: Well, I know it's around here somewhere. (lifts up bleachers) Nope. (lifts up Blaine) Blaine: Hey! Deandra: Not under him. Blaine: Wow Deandra, you're really strong. Deandra: Yes, I suppose I am. Tanner: Guys, I have an idea, that's it! Deandra can be on the football team. Matthew and Blaine: What? Deandra: Yeah, whaat? Blaine: No Deandra, you would be great! I mean, with that kind of strength, you'd be totally amazing on the football team. You should totally join our team. Deandra: Well, but isn't there the issue of me being a girl? Matthew: No, why would there be? What issue? They run the world, listen to Beyoncé. Deandra: Alright, but what's in it for me? Tanner: Well what do you want? Deandra: Right now, my goddamn taco. Tanner: Well, okay, okay, fair enough, I can't get you a taco right now, but you know, every Friday before our game we have a team meal at Pizza Street. Free all you can eat buffet. Deandra: You get a free buffet at Pizza Street? Tanner: Every Friday. Deandra: That's the best day! They replace their cheese on Friday! Tanner: So, what do you say? Deandra: Alright Christiansen, you drive a hard bargain. I'll join your team. Besides, that book club I joined doesn't seem to be working out. (flashback) Deandra: No Tammy! Billy Pilgrim becomes unstuck in time, he doesn't travel through time you fucking idiot! Oh don't cry, don't fucking cry! (present) Tanner: Well this is great! Guys, we've got Deandra on the team now! And we don't need Than! Ha! Perfect! Than: Oh, oh, alright, I get it guys. Hey it was fun while it lasted, right? Hey Blaine, you remember when we did the butt thing? Classic us. Alright, well I guess I'll see you guys. Matthew: Wait a minute Than. Now Tanner, we told Than that he was a member of this team. We gave him our word. And what are we, if not men of our word? Tanner: Uh, a complete football team that doesn't have to deal with Than every day. Matthew: Look inside your heart Tanner. You know what the right thing to do is. Tanner: Goddamn it, fine. Than you can be on the team too. Than: Alright! (slaps Blaine's butt) Blaine: What did I say bro! Than: I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Blaine: The fuck did I say? Than: I'm kidding, it's a joke. Blaine: Fucking cool it. Than: Take a joke. Blaine: You piece of shit. Matthew: Alright, alright, now, the first thing we're going to need to do is figure out which position each of you is best suited for. Deandra, I think with your brute strength, it's clear that you'd be a perfect fit at linebacker. Just take that big robot arm of yours and knock people over. Deandra: That's great. Sounds like a plan. Now, does the buffet include the soup of the day, or do I need to pay extra for that? Matthew: Alright, now Than, right now the big hole that we need to fill is at tight end or wide receiver. Than: What, oh I'm sorry we're just not gonna make a joke about that? The big hole is tight end and wide receiver? What, nothing, really? I have like, six things—Alright, fine, alright, great, we're not gonna do anything with it. What do I gotta do? Tanner: Well, how well can you catch? (Than fails to catch a football) Not very well. Matthew: Alright then, for right now, Blaine, why don't you step in at tight end, and Than how 'bout you join Deandra over there on defense? Than: Great! How do I defense? Matthew: Basically, you're gonna want to tackle the players on the other team. Than: Got it. Like this? (tackles Tanner) Tanner: Ow! Motherfuc—Get off of me! Matthew: No, Than, on defense, you only want to tackle the player that has the ball. Than: Ah gotcha, gotcha. Alright, someone throw Tanner the ball. Matthew: Why don't we just start on some fundamentals first? Our first game is tomorrow, and if you ask me, I think we've got a lot of work to do. Deandra: Hey guys, double win today! I found that taco! Somebody threw it in the trash! What a fucking idiot! Matthew: Hot dignity doggity diamond dallas page that was great! Tanner: Woo! Haha! I can't believe we won! Blaine: Won? We kicked the crap out of them! Deandra: My God, what a buffet! You guys were not foolin'! Macaroni in a bread bowl, who would'a thunk! Than: Hey great game guys, lot of fun, alright, who's ready for a shower? (takes off shirt) Mattheww: I gotta say, Deandra, Than, you two really kicked some ass out there tonight. Tanner: Yeah, Than, I mean, fuck, as much as I hate to admit it, you are one hell of a defender! Than: What can I say, when it comes to pinning guys down on the ground, I'm pretty fucking dedicated. By the way, you guys see the eyes on that running back? I could've stared into those for days! Alright, shower time! Deandra: I gotta say, I feel a little bad for all those players I injured. Matthew: In all my days, I've never seen two ambulances get called to the same game! Tanner: Yeah, I mean, that team went through three quarterbacks before the start of the fourth quarter. That's worse than the Jets! Than: Yeah! Really amazing guys! Alright who wants a towel? Matthew: And Blaine, three touchdown receptions! Who knew you were such a natural at tight end! Blaine: Yeah, well, you know, ever since that one day, I've just been picturing my baby as a football. I guess it worked out pretty good, huh. Tanner: That would explain why you took that fumble so hard. Blaine: Yeah, sorry about that. Matthew: Hey, you know what I'm thinking— Than: I know what you're thinking! I just hope the water's not too cold though! Matthew: I really do think this could be the year that we make it all the way to the State Championships! Everyone: State! State! State! State! State! State! Than: State! Oh, we're done? Okay. Well, I think that should be just about everything. So that only leaves us with one thing left to do! Deandra: Alright, well, I'll see you guys. Matthew: Hold on, Deandra, me and the fellas have been talking and because we feel locker room camaraderie is so important to the team dynamic, we want to make sure that you're not excluded. So with that in mind, we've all agreed to do all of our showering and clothes-changing at home, so that you can be here in the locker room with us before and after the games, just like any other member of the team. Deandra: Oh, alright. Thanks, I guess. Than: You gotta be fucking kidding me!